Thursday, October 19, 2017

More Ways to Tell If Your Lifestyle is Too Sedentary

• At the grocery store, do you simply bang your little motorized scooter cart into the shelves and buy whatever happens to fall into your basket?

• Did you buy a really tall chair to use with your standing desk?

• Is your biggest nightmare an “Out of Order – Please Take the Stairs” sign on an elevator?

• Do you hope that “karma” is a real thing because you’re too lazy to exact revenge on people who have wronged you?

• Is your office nickname "Sleepy"?

• Do you take a knee during playing of National Anthem not to protest anything but because standing up for two minutes is so exhausting?

• Is the thought of using a bedpan sounding pretty attractive?

• Did you get tired before you could get all the way through this blog post?

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

An Apple a Day...

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

A fresh vegetable often will stave off the coffin.

A kumquat a week will improve your physique.

A lemon frequently will make you feel lemony.

A radish each hour will turn your face sour.

A persimmon per second is too much, I reckon.

A tomato daily will keep you fit as Beetle Bailey.

A French fry each minute is what killed Tony Bennett.

A whiskey shot per fortnight will save you from frostbite.

A colonoscopy each leap year will help you to keep clear.

A peach pie per decade is fine if it’s homemade.

 A pot roast per millennium won’t affect your insurance premium.

Monday, October 16, 2017

Marathon Running Advice

Maybe you're thinking about running a marathon.

Maybe you're thinking about running a half-marathon.

Maybe you're thinking about running a half-half-half-half-half-half-half marathon.

Whatever marathon you're thinking about running, I'm sure at least some of this advice will help you out...

• If you’re planning to run a marathon right after going to the restroom, make sure you don’t have toilet paper stuck in the back of your pants. A 26.2-mile stream of toiler paper is extremely wasteful!

• If you put a treadmill in the back of a pick-up truck and have someone drive you around while you run on it, it feels just like you’re running outside. Try it yourself if you don’t believe me!

• It’s important not to get dehydrated on long runs, so consider wearing a hydration pack or carrying a bucket of water balloons.

• Running’s easier if you’re as light as possible so before you head out, send me all the cash out of your wallet.

• Find what motivates YOU to run; for me, it’s when somebody says “I think the security guard saw you shove that down your pants.”

• Spend at least one day per week practicing carbo-loading.

• If you’re a barefoot runner, refrain from training in a field of broken glass and rusty nails.

• You shouldn’t run if it’s rainy, or looks like rain, or if there’s a chance of rain, or if it’s too sunny, too cloudy or too plain-looking.

Remember:  it’s all about putting one foot in front of the other (never – and I mean never – put one foot in front of the same foot!).

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

You're Not Going to Believe This...

By this time tomorrow, I'm going to have eaten right and exercised

IN A ROW!!!!!



Let me recheck my math...

Lemme see here... four.... eleventy-seven... carry the two... divide the numerator by the whatevernator...

Let me try that one more time...

By this time tomorrow, I'm going to have eaten right and exercised


Monday, October 9, 2017

Why My Last Weigh-In Wasn't So Hot


Blinded by fridge light other night; accidentally ate a cheesecake
Stepped on scale left foot first instead of right foot first
Forgot pre-weigh-in prayer
Thought I was going to Zumba class but it turned out to be keg party
Conspiracy at the highest levels of government
Had gum in my mouth
  • Forgot to exhale when I stepped on scale; lungs were full of heavy, heavy oxygen
  • Don’t understand it; must have had a hundred fat-free brownies this week!
Went ahead and had all I could eat at all-you-can-eat buffet
Had Oreo coupon that was about to expire
  • Pissed off voodoo witch-lady down in New Orleans
  • Something in the air
  • Misread recipe; it read “teaspoon” of olive oil and I thought it said “tablefull”
  • Bad luck because I ate a black cat
  • Weighed in the nude, but feel I could have been nuder

Thursday, October 5, 2017

Tips You Can Use (to Lose)

• To reduce your sodium intake, replace the salt in your salt shaker with poison.

• Strap two scales to your feet so that you can always tell at a glance how much you weigh.

• When preparing mashed potatoes, substitute skim milk for the regular milk and skim potatoes for the regular potatoes.

•  At the grocery store, take the wheels off your shopping cart.

• Adopt a funny mouse who runs up and steals your cheese every time you try to eat some.

• Chew your food at least twice before swallowing.

•  When you weigh in, try to let your soul slip out of your body momentarily; no one’s sure exactly how much your soul weighs, but it’s gotta weigh something. Am I right or am I right?

• The optimum number of chicken wings to eat in one sitting is… wait, let me re-check my math… let’s see, carry the one, divide the numerator into the denominator… and there’s your answer:  zero.

• If you’re working at a chocolate factory and the conveyor belt starts speeding up, for God’s sake, just notify your supervisor. We’ve been having trouble with that conveyor belt for months!

Monday, October 2, 2017

Mr. Eat Wiser

I’m Mister Eat Sickness.
I’m Mister Ton.
I’m Mister No Fitness
I’m Mister Three-Hundred-And-One.

They tell me Eat Wiser
Whenever I lunch,
I eat a bunch.
Munch munch munch.

He’s Mister Eat Sickness.
He’s Mister Ton.
He’s Mister No Fitness.
He’s Mister Three-Hundred-And-One.

Why won’t he Eat Wiser?
Just watch him at lunch.
Food by the bunch.
Munch munch munch.

Thank you!
I’m working hard to know a weigh
That's under sixty LB’s.
I'd rather have it eighty,
Ninety, one hundred LB’s!
Oh, some like it fit, but I like it
REALLY fit! Hee hee!

Now he's Mister Lean Sweetness.
He's Mister Run.
He's Mister No Bigness.
He's Mister Two Hundred and One.

They say I Eat Wiser,
Whatever I bite,
Fits well in my diet.
Eat just right!

Just right!

Thursday, September 28, 2017

Losing Weight is a Lot Like Marriage

  • It all starts with a vow.
  • Some days are harder than others.
  • You’ll sometimes go to bed mad.
  • It takes some people several attempts to get it right.
  • Some people never get it right.
  • You have to work harder than you ever imagined.
  • It can be very rewarding.
  • At times, you might need a counselor to help get things on track.
  • Sometimes you want what somebody else has.
  • After you commit, you have to quit doing whatever you want.
  • Keeping it going is hard, but ending it is more expensive in the long run.
  • Cheating doesn’t lead to anything good.
  • It’s not going to work unless your spouse helps.
  • Some people do it for the children.
  • If it feels too much like work, chances are you’re not going to be successful with it.
  • It gives you a reason to become a better person than you already are.
  • If you do it right, it lasts the rest of your life.
I remember asking my Grandpa Noah how much it cost to get married. He thought it over, then replied, “I don't know, Jackie. I'm still paying for it.”

Monday, September 25, 2017

The Secret to Healthiness

The secret to healthiness is no secret at all.

It's about...

...eating French fries that haven't been French-fried

...lifting a child without your back going a ka-poing

...a worn-out pair of running shoes

...having a "cheat day" and not cheating

...parking in the anti-handicapped space (parking spot located furthest from where you're going)

...eating a salad without thinking you're being punished for something

...not gaining 10 pounds when you go on vacation

...using one of those check-your-blood-pressure machines at the store and not having it start smoking and emitting a wailing siren

...feeling like your get-up-and-go hasn't got-up-and-went

...being able to push your body and not have your body push back your life, loving your life


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