Monday, April 17, 2017

Ways to Ease Back Into a Healthy Lifestyle

• Instead of eating an entire can of frosting, use the plastic lid to cover the container and save some for tomorrow.

• Use the stairs instead of attempting to parkour up empty elevator shaft.

• Don’t top your salad with half a can of Pringles.

• Instead of running a half-marathon, maybe just sign up to run a half-marathon.

• Remember, it’s “anything in moderation,” not “everything in moderation”.

• One way to make yourself drink more water is to try a bite of my cooking. Here, sample my rutabaga pudding. It’s indescribable!

• Believe in the power to accomplish your goals; people said that I couldn’t never not be able to get away with a triple negative in a blog post, but look at me now!

• Each day, write down everything you eat (or if you’re like me, save a little time by writing down everything you don’t eat).

• Walking a dog is more exercise than letting dog pull you around block on a skateboard, but c’mon… HAVE YOU TRIED LETTING DOG YOU AROUND BLOCK ON A SKATEBOARD? WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

• Remember what Winston Churchill always said… okay, you got me – I have no idea what Winston Churchill always said, but it was probably something like “eat a little less and exercise more and you’ll be well on your way to a healthy lifestyle.”









Monday, February 27, 2017

Recipe for Disaster

Mix together:

1 or 2 pounds of cheese
528 ounces of dark beer
4 trips out to restaurants
2 weeks of bloglessness
2 cups of empty calories
Gallon of red wine (it’s good for your heart!)
1 cup of apathy
½ cup of distraction
1 tb of laziness
1 tb of sloth
Dash of DGAF


It’s my own recipe, but I’m not sure you’ll be happy with the result…

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Jawin’ to the World



Jackie Sh*t had a dull blog.
He had it since 2000 and 9.
I never understood a single word he wrote,
But I sure loved to hear him whine.
And he always had a diet-y tie-in whine.

I say I’m…

-->
Jawin’ to the world,
Pudgy boys and girls, now.
Jawin’ to the folks fightin’ obesity.
Jawin’ to you and me.

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Valentine Reading List

Hungry for Love 
by Anna Recksiek

A Red Hot Affair with the Candyman
 by Bess Eaton

Lust in the Lockerroom 
by Earl Lee Riser

A Recipe for Ecstasy 
by Russell Sprout

Really Hot Yoga: Downward Doggy-Style 
by Ben Dover

Low-Fat Arousal 
by Eddie Bull

I Desperately Want You, But I’ve Still Got 20 Minutes on the Elliptical
by Howie Doohan

Too Much Passion, Too Many Calories 
by Marsha Mellow

I Lost Enough for Him to Sweep Me Off My Feet 
by Kenya Dewit

Silk Stockings and Worn-Out Running Shoes 
by Ophelia Payne

The Rendezvous Without Fondue 
by Eaton Wright and Liv Good

To My Health’s Desire 
by Brock Lee

Low-Fat Infatuation 
by Chris Coe

Salmon Chanted Evening 
by Al K. Seltzer

Deep Lunges with My Personal Trainer 
by Tad Moore

A Date with Density 
by Chris P. Bacon

Romance and Tight Pants 
by Hugh Jass

No More Screwing Around (Well, Except for You-Know-What) 
by Walter Melon

Pre-Weigh Foreplay 
by Brighton Early

A Little Amour, A Little-a Less 
by Biff Wellington

Things Are About to Get Really Spicy (Since I Learned That Cooking With Cayenne Pepper Dramatically Increases Metabolism) 
by Jack Tupp


Monday, February 13, 2017

Alternative Fat

This week – 229.8 lbs.
Loss: -50.0 lbs.
Total since starting over: -52.7 lbs.


That is a yuge weight loss! No one can lose weight the way that I can.  This is all part of my master plan to MAKE AMERICA FIT AGAIN!

Okay, I’ll own up…

That was fake news.

This week – 280.8 lbs.
Loss: +1.0 lb.
Total since starting over: -1.7 lbs.

Got too caught up flipping back and forth between watching Fox News and MSNBC and didn’t move a muscle for an entire week.


Sad!


Thursday, February 9, 2017

Knock Knock

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Wanda
Wanda who?
Wanda start eating better and exercising more, but it’s very hard.

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Irish.
Irish who?
Irish I didn’t like cheese so much.

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Snow.
Snow who?
Snow use. I’m never going to be able to stick to this diet!

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anyone offer me a little encouragement? I’m dying here!

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Heidi.
Heidi who?
Heidi ‘cided to go get in a workout today.

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Alpaca.
Alpaca who?
Alpaca healthy lunch so I don’t gotta go out.

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes the worst blog post I’ve written in quite a while.






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